Jersey Shore
In this week’s Jersey Shore we start with the obvious; don’t let his birthday blues fool you, Mike never actually left. You see he realised if he left then, well, no one would care. So he takes a slightly different approach and insists that although he has confessed in the past to be a slimy, scheming dirt bag, he’s really just a caring misunderstood underdog. He’s a Cancer you see. He means the star sign, I do not. Danny, the t-shirt shop manager tells everyone that unless Vinny comes back he’s going to replace him. He then gets upset at the lack of work-related motivation and general uncleanness of the Jersey gang. Keep in mind that these are not children he is scolding but a room of 30 something millionaire tv stars. Oh and this isn’t real. He insists that the deal was for eight people to work him and this means that he has to put up a ‘Help Wanted’ sign. Can we drop the pretense of work please? They’re being paid to make stupid decisions not fold t-shirts. Maybe poor old Danny is just looking for a bit more screen time and a food endorsement for himself.
The meatballs decide to organize a stripper party for Pauly and Mike and this involves them going to see a man known as the ‘Wizard of Ass’. I think I have heard of him before whilst watching my boyfriend DVD collection. It was not the Lord Of The Rings I was expecting. Snooki and Deena have low expectations and only want two things from their strippers; confidence and a love of wheelchairs. Why the chairs? Because at the party the boys are handcuffed to them,to symbolise that they are far to old to be in these situations. We know. Pauly and Mike are shocked when the strippers appear, obviously completely out of their depth. Next is cake, boobs for Pauly D and a butt for Mike who can’t really be surprised.
At the end of the episode it was mission ‘Get Vinny Back’ or GVB as in Jersey everything needs to be abbreviated. We all knew he wouldn’t be gone for long and there he is all smiles and newly tattooed; ‘Let Go Let God’ Oh Vinny we shouldn’t of taken our eyes off you, you silly boy.
Playing It Straight
Episode 4 of Playing It Straight takes us to the spanish gay mecca of Sitges for some ‘gay-watching’. This week two more guys are joining the group, therefore extending the series by at least two more episodes than expected. I’m partly excited for more morally deprived entertainment and partly irritated that I will be forced to watch more of Cara’s annoying monologues on how this show is destroying her as a person.
The first game in tonight’s episode is’The Gay Runaround’, the boys are made to stand on a podium whilst a group of gay locals decide which he ‘swings’. Ben is one of the firsts to be judged as homosexual and is far from happy, one doth protest too much hm? Obviously being his identical twin Sam doesn’t fair much better. The jury is split on Dean but he does reveal something new. Dean has a rather unflattering tattoo on his lower back which matches a few of the gay locals. Oh dear. Outed by a tramp stamp. David comes out on top as the locals judge him to be 100% Straight.
Now we are joined by the ‘new meat’ Jordon 18, and Mitch 24. Cara’s visibly pleased, ‘finally some fit boys!’. Ouch, don’t let the others hear that. With these two beefcakes on board it’s time for ‘Tug Cara’ a game similar to tug of war but with a image of Cara on the rope. So Tug of War really. Let the girlie squeal ensue. One by one the boys are eliminated until we are left with Jordan and Ben. So not much point in telling you how it pans out to be honest. Horribly. After that debacle David and Jordan have one the date with Cara. Although Cara could of stood them up and I don’t think it would of tarnished their night.
On the next night it’s down the gay bar for our lovely boys, but who’s that weirdly curvy man behind them? Why it’s Cara/Carter. She’s going in to spy on the lad’s and see who enjoys the flamboyant night club a little too much. You see by putting on glasses and a hat she is instantly unrecognisable. Clever girl. She’s also stuffed her pants but hey what’s new. The boy’s reaction in the club was quite bi-polar, going from hugely uncomfortable to raging excitement in mere moments. There seems to be a lot of nipple rubbing in the beginning and to say the boys are unappreciative would be an understatement, but then the music is on and Danny is in a Spanish man sandwich. The fun is quickly over however, as the next morning the get to handle raw fish in order to see who can gut the most. David can’t handle the smell and throws up over the side, whilst Ben throws a diva strop and storms off.
One irritating monologue for Cara about how bad she’s got it later and we are finally at the elimination. This week David is eliminated and after a teary moments he reveals that he is gay. I’d like to think I knew but, damn it David, you had us all convinced.
Jersey Shore, Tuesday at midnight on MTV
Playing It Straight, Monday at 9pm on E4
